Our Songs
by Mr. JRyan
Summary: Can JD survive the tragedy of Dan’s suicide? Can Perry help him get through it? Or will they be forced apart? SEQUEL to 'His Test.' JDox established. Songfic chapter story.
1. I Need You

**Title:** Our Songs  
**Chapter Title:** I Need You  
**Author:** Haley Starlight

**Setting:** Right after 'His Test.'  
**Pairing: **JD/Cox (established relationship)  
**Song: **What If _by_ Ashley Tisdale  
**POV: **JD/John Dorian.

**Disclaimer: **I DO NOT OWN SCRUBS.

**Summary:** Can JD survive the tragedy of Dan's suicide? Can Perry help get through it? Or will they be forced apart?

**Warnings: **SLASH. Don't like it? Don't read. Also, mentions of suicide.

**Author's Note: **This whole story is going to be based on songs. They're all from my iPod, actually. I got the idea while listening to some of my songs in one of my playlist while thinking about 'His Test'… It seemed good. And not really done a lot. So enjoy! : )

* * *

_Don't speak, I can't believe  
This is here, happening.  
Out situation isn't right.  
Get real, who you playing with?  
__I never thought he'd be like this.  
You were supposed to be there by my side._

I sat on Turk and Carla's sofa, staring blankly at the TV in front of me, thoughts of that night going through my mind. How Perry had yelled at me, how he had completely disregarded that my brother had _killed himself_. Did he not get that I was in a bad place right now? Did he not understand that I needed someone there, someone I loved, to support me? But yet he basically threw me out, completely ignoring the fact that I might just have been dying inside.

Honestly, wasn't he able to see it? I hadn't been myself for the last two days, ever since I received that call from my mother. My usual cheery smile was gone, all the spark and glimmer in my eyes vanished, and I couldn't even bring myself to have an occasional random fantasy. Everything that made me, well, _me_ was hidden away, and all I could think about was the guilt that I had somehow caused my brother to kill himself. What if it was true? What if I was the reason Dan was dead? What if he couldn't take the fact that his little brother was dating another man?

I needed Perry to hold me, comfort me, tell me that it was going to all be okay… I needed him to understand the fact that I needed time right now. But he wasn't doing that…

_When you that you want me,  
I just don't believe it.  
__You're always ready to give up,  
__And never turn around._

It was almost like Perry had been secretly wishing that a day like this would come. Why the hell else would he jump at the chance to end our relationship so quickly? He saw something in our relationship that he didn't like, that made him feel less of a man. No, he never really _told_ me that himself, but there was just something in his composure that gave him away ever since we had started dating. I usually tried to ignore it, tried to push that thought to the back of my mind. Because if Perry didn't want me, he wouldn't have put up with me for a year, _living in his house_ no less, would he? No, of course not. But… maybe, with Jordan hating his guts, he just needed a sex buddy. Maybe he had been using me. Maybe he didn't love me at all.

Carla walked over to me, putting a hand on my shoulder and smoothing back some of my hair. "Want me to call him, Bambi? I'll strike fear into his heart."

I smiled softly at the offer, shaking my head. "No thanks, Carla. I think I'm just going to go to bed."

Carla nodded, kissing my cheek. "Alright. Rest up. Everything will be better tomorrow, you'll see." She moved to turn away, before I suddenly grabbed her arm.

"Did Turk make the arrangements?"

Carla shook her head, smiling sadly. "No. I did. He couldn't deal with you leaving, so I decided to treat it as a band aid… Your flight's tomorrow morning." I nodded my thanks before curling up on the sofa, staring blankly at the wall in front of me as the Latina nurse turned out the lights in the room, encompassing me in darkness.

_What if I need you, baby?  
__Would you even try to save me?  
__Or would you find some lame excuse  
__To never be true?  
__What if I said I loved you?  
__Would you be the one to run to?  
__Or would you watch me walk away  
__Without a fight?_

I couldn't sleep that night; I'm not sure how many times I tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable on the lumpy sofa. Note to self: buy them a new sofa for Christmas. But, really, it wasn't the sofa that was causing me to not be able to sleep. It was the fact that I had left my phone out on the table, just in case Perry had decided to give me a call and apologize. I kept staring at it, willing for a call to come through that would end up brightening all of this. It never came. I just laid there, wishing that things had ended so badly, that he'd forgive me for what I said and then walking out… that I was able to forgive him for everything he had said before he practically kicked me out of the apartment. I didn't get any sleep that night.

_I'm so sick of worrying  
__That you're gonna quit over anything.  
__I could trip and you'd let go like that.  
__And everything that we ever were  
__Seems to fade but not the hurt  
__Cause you don't know the good thing from the bad._

I guess it was kind of my fault. After all, I'm the one who basically had told him that I didn't know what was going on with our relationship. But I hadn't meant it like I wanted to break up! He didn't even let me explain before he jumped down my throat!

A break was needed because of Dan, yeah, but that didn't mean that I really wanted to _break up _with Perry. No, not at all. Never. Perry was amazing. He was smart, funny (I know, that's hard to believe, considering the only humor he sports most of the time is of the sarcastic-nature), handsome, and great in the sack. Sure, he had some downfalls, but who didn't? Point is, I couldn't leave someone like him. I could move away, but I could never really _leave_ him.

He was too important to me.

I just needed some time to get my head on straight, that's all… I needed some time to make sense out of everything that had happened with Dan and my mother… He didn't have to have a cow because of it. Why couldn't he just understand?

_When I say that I want you  
__You know that I meant it.  
__And in my hour of weakness  
__There still time to try._

Around four in the morning, three hours before I was supposed to wake up so I could catch my flight, I grabbed my phone off the table. If he wasn't going to call me, then I was going to call him. I had to.

_What if I need you, baby?  
__Would you even try to save me?  
__Or would you find some lame excuse  
__To never be true?  
__What if I said I loved you?  
__Would you be the one to run to?  
__Or would you watch me walk away  
__Without a fight?_

I spent the next half hour calling Perry. He never picked up. I left voicemail after voicemail, hoping he'd get at least a few of them before my flight left in a few hours. I didn't want to just leave things the way we had… I needed to say goodbye to him. I needed to tell him that I loved him, that I'd come back for him, that we'd never be over and that he was the most important person in the world to him. I just hope he called back.

_Every time I speak you try to stop me,  
__Cause every little thing I say is wrong.  
__You say you're noticing,  
__But you never see._

Around the tenth call, his phone suddenly went right to voicemail. I hope he wasn't ignoring my calls now. What if he had turned off his phone, annoyed beyond belief that I wouldn't leave him alone? What if he never wanted to speak to me again?

_This is who I really am.  
__That you can't believe  
__Makes me want to know right now  
__If it me you'll live without.  
__Or would you change your mind?  
__What if I need you?_

I suddenly couldn't hold it in anymore. I held myself tight as I started sobbing, completely unaware that I was leaving a voicemail in the process. "Dan's dead, my mother hates me, and now I lost the love of my life because neither of us can listen to the other for five seconds! I didn't want it to end this way! I need him! I love him, damnit!" At that, I threw the phone across the room, not even blinking as it crashed into the wall and proceeded to shatter.

_But what if I need you, baby?  
__Would you even try to save me?  
__Or would you find some lame excuse  
__To never be true?  
__What if I said I loved you?  
__Would you be the one to run to?  
__Or would you watch me walk away  
__Without a…_

"Bambi?!"

"Vanilla Bear?!"

I didn't even look up as Turk and Carla rushed out of their room, apparently having been woken up by the loud crash of my phone. I continued to lay on the couch, hugging myself as tears flowed freely. I couldn't believe everything had gone downhill so fast. I couldn't believe it was over. I couldn't believe my life had become _this_ torn apart.

"I'm going to freaking kill him!" Turk yelled. I heard footsteps stomp over to the counter, where the phone was, as he quickly snatched it out of its cradle.

"Turk! It's nearly five in the morning! It's probably asleep!" Carla scolded, before sitting down on the couch next to me, putting a hand on my arm. "Don't worry, Bambi; he loves you."

"No he doesn't," I whispered, swallowing hard.

_Oh baby, what if I need you?_

"Sure he does."

"If he loved me he would have called back."

_What if I need you?_

"He's probably asleep."

"He keeps his phone close by, in case of emergency."

_What if I need you?_

"Maybe he forgot to tonight."

"I doubt it."

_What if I need, what if I need you?_

"Come on, Bambi, stop thinking the worst. This is Perry we're talking about. He's a hard sleeper."

"I once woke him up by opening the fridge."

_What if I need you?_

Carla sighed, getting up off the couch. "I think you're wrong. I think he's going to call back."

"I hope you're right."

_What if I need you?_

"Listen to me, you egotistical jackass! No one hurts my Vanilla Bear like that and gets away with it! You better _pray_ I don't see you at work today, or I'm going to shove my scalpel so far up your—"

"Turk!"

Suddenly the sound of a phone slamming into its cradle reached JD's ears, and he pulled his pillow closer to himself, willing himself to shut out the arguing. He loved his friends, he really did… But sometimes they could be so wrong that it hurt.

_I need you, you, you._

**Just because I think of them while listening to my iPod sometimes. Hehe. Perry's up next, kiddies!**


	2. For You

**Title:** Our Songs  
**Chapter Title:** For You

**Song: **I'd Come For You _by_ Nickelback  
**POV: **Dr. Cox/Perry

**Disclaimer: **I DO NOT OWN SCRUBS.

**Warnings: **SLASH. Don't like it? Don't read.

**Author's Note: **Perry might seem a bit OOC in this chapter. But try to see it from his point of view. A year with JD has made him a bit soft, he's ridiculously in love, and his heart's broken… So, basically, don't like it, too bad. : D

_Just one more moment  
__That's all that's needed.  
__Like wounded soldiers  
__In need of healing.  
__Time to be honest  
__This time I'm bleeding.  
__Please don't dwell on it  
__Cause I didn't mean it._

I couldn't believe I had said that to the kid. To my partner, my lover, my boyfriend… I had basically kicked him out of the house, told him never to come back again. How could I do that? He was the only one who really understood me. Okay, well, there was Carla and Jordan… But Newbie was different. He was my light in the world, the reason why I was still kicking, the reason why I never gave up at my lousy job, and kept on moving forward.

My words were still haunting me. _"If you're doing that, Newbie, then stay there permanently! Don't ever come back!"_ He had muttered a quick goodbye after that, and some other gibberish. Unfortunately, I hadn't really caught it all, considering that at the time I was blind with fury and rage.

Sure, he had a reason to be upset, but so did I! But… was that worth risking everything that we had built in the past year? Was it worth giving up the only person that had been able to make me truly smile after a considerably shitty day at the hospital? No.

_I can't believe I said I'd lay  
__Our love on the ground.  
__But it doesn't matter  
__Cause I've made it up.  
__Forgive me now.  
__Everyday I spend away  
__My soul's inside out.  
__Gotta be someway that  
__I can make it up to you  
__Now, somehow._

I had staid up half the night, watching my phone as I held it in my hand, waiting to see if Newbie would call. He never did. It broke my heart, but I knew that I could have called _him_ if I had wanted to. But, honestly, I was Perry Cox. Since when did I turn into the girl in this relationship? I wasn't calling first. I knew that he had probably wanted that pleasure, to spew about his girly feelings and the fact that he didn't mean what he had said, and that he wasn't going to go live with his mother.

I wanted that _oh so_ ve-he-he-_hery_ badly. I hated how much I wanted him to call, to tell me that he was coming back home after he spent the night at whoever's house and cooled off. We both needed to cool off a bit, that much was certain. But he'd come home in the morning, right? We'd kiss, he'd cry, and then we'd have ri-he-_hedic_-ulous make up sex that would leave us so tired that we wouldn't be able to fight anymore; we wouldn't have the strength.

By the time I had passed out after waiting hour upon hour for my phone to ring, I was passed out, no longer able to keep my eyes open. I didn't even notice that it had fallen out of my hand and had slide somewhere beneath my dresser. At three thirty in the morning I finally gave into the needs of my body, and rested, hoping the next day would be better than the previous.

_By now you'd know  
__That I'd come for you.  
__No one but you.  
__Yes, I'd come for you.  
__But only if you told me to.  
__And I'd fight for you.  
__I'd lie, it's true.  
__Give my life for you.  
__You know I'd always come for you._

I woke at about four hours later, and rolled over in my bed, reaching out next to me, smiling softly as I went to grab onto Newbie and pull him closer. No, I wasn't going to _snuggle_—what a disgrace that word was to my vocabulary, because Perry Cox did _nawt_ snuggle—I just had wanted to hold him a little, is all. But the bed next to me was empty, and a frown made its way onto my face.

"Janice?" I called out sleepily, sitting up in the bed. It then dawned on me what had happened the previous day. Newbie was gone. He wasn't coming back.

Oh, like hell.

I quickly jumped out of bed, searching around for my phone. Where had that thing gone to? I spent the next fifteen minutes searching for the damn thing. I needed to call Newbie, to talk to him about everything that was going on, to make it up to him, to convince him not to leave. He couldn't just _go_ like that, could he?

When I finally found my phone, I realized it was dead, and quickly hooked it up to the charger before jumping in the shower. If I was going to go out on the limb and confess my love for Newbie—something that _someone_ needed to keep a mental record of, because it sure as _hell_ wasn't going to happen again in this lifetime—then I needed to be clean, put together, and ready to face whatever was going to happen.

I had stepped out of the shower to find that I had twelve new voice messages. Annoyed, curious, and also slightly terrified, I quickly played them back.

_I was blindfolded  
__But now I'm seeing.  
__My mind was closing  
__Now I'm believing.  
__I finally know just what it means to let someone in.  
__To see the side of me  
__That no one does or ever will.  
__So if you're ever lost  
__And find yourself all alone  
__I'd search forever  
__Just to bring you home.  
__Here and now, this I vow._

"**Perry? I'm so sorry about what happened. Can we talk? Please? I really need you right now. Where are you? Why aren't you answering? Please call me back."**

"**It's JD again. Perry, I love you. You took what I said last night the wrong way. I don't want us to break up—" **My heart fluttered, and I swallowed hard, throwing my clothes on. **"—I just want a small break so I can fix what's left of my family. I just… Just call me back."**

"**Where the hell are you? Do I mean that little to you?"**

"**God damnit, Perry! You can be such a hardhead sometimes! Can't you just accept my apology?! You're an asshole!"**

"**Okay, you're not an asshole. ImsorryImsorryImsorry. I love you. I'm at Turk and Carla's… I'm leaving in the morning… Call me… Please?"**

"**You're probably asleep, huh? Call me."**

"**Who am I joking? You're a light sleeper! Why do you keep ignoring my calls?!"**

"**I hate you, Perry! I hate that you're not answering your phone! I hate that you're refusing to talk to me! I hate that you're such an ass that this past year has meant absolutely **_**nothing **_**to you! What the hell is your problem?!"**

"… **I need you."**

"**I've called a lot… And I'm probably annoying you… Being clingy… But I can't just let us end this way… I love you…."**

"**Dan's dead, my mother hates me, and now I lost the love of my life because neither of us can listen to the other for five seconds! I didn't want it to end this way! I need him! I love him, damnit!"**

"**Listen to me, you egotistical jackass! No one hurts my Vanilla Bear like that and—"** I pressed delete. Just Ghandi.

I ran a hand across my face, shaking my head. I swear, sometimes that kid's emotional rollercoaster was that of a pregnant woman. But, really, I could understand. I had been having the same kind of night that he was having. I had to find him. What did one of the messages say? Turk and Carla's? Of course Newbie would be staying with his black wife and surrogate mother.

I grabbed my keys and ran out the door.

_By now you'd know that  
__I'd come for you.  
__No one but you.  
__Yes, I'd come for you.  
__But only if you told me to.  
__And I'd fight for you.  
__I'd lie, it's true.  
__Give my life for you.  
__You know I'd always come for you.  
__You know I'd always come for you._

On the way to the apartment, I kept trying to call Heather back, but to no avail. The girl must have turned her phone off or something. Then again, that last message was pretty bad… The sobbing and all that… Maybe she had broken his phone out of pure anguish.

And then I remembered something else he had said in one of his messages. He was leaving in the morning… I had to hurry, or I'd lose him forever.

_No matter what gets in my way  
__As long as there's still life in me.  
__No matter what, remember  
__You know I'll always come for you._

"Perry! What are you doing here?" Carla asked as she opened the apartment door, looking surprised to see me. But that was quickly gone, and she gave me her 'from the block' attitude, glaring daggers at me. "How dare you hurt Bambi like that!"

"No time. Where is he?" I quickly asked, shoving my way past her into the apartment, looking around.

"Oh, Perry…" Carla said softly, her voice sad and thick with guilt. "He's gone. Him and Turk left about an hour ago for the airport… He's gone."

"If he's not on the plane, he's not gone. What's his information?" Carla seemed to be against this, but quickly gave me JD's flight info anyway, before I quickly ran back to my car.

He wasn't leaving. He couldn't.

_Yes, I'd come for you.  
__No one but you.  
__Yes, I'd come for you.  
__But only if you told me to.  
__And I'd fight for you.  
__I'd lie, it's true.  
__Give my life for you.  
__You know I'd always come for you._

I raced through the airport, running over to baggage claim as I looked around for my Newbie, thoughts racing through my head. What if I didn't make it in time? What would I say if I did? Would he come back? Would he understand? Or would he still leave? I don't think I could take it if he left. I don't think I could take losing him.

"JD!" I yelled out, searching around, sorting through people in my desperate attempt to find my love. "JD, where are you?!"

"Sir, do you have a ticket?" a security guard asked me, sizing me up in the process.

"What? No. I need to find—"

"I'm afraid you can't pass this area without a ticket, sir. You're going to have to turn around."

"I need to find someone! JD?! JD, wherever you are, I love you!"

"Dr. Cox?" I quickly turned around, finding Ghandi giving me a strange look. Like he had anything to stare at. Had he seen himself lately? Those tear tracks on his cheeks weren't going to go away themselves. "What are you doing?"

"I need to find JD. Where is he?" I asked, grabbing onto the man's arm, my eyes wide.

He looked down, shaking his head and sighed. Oh no. That was never a good sign. "He's gone," Ghandi said, looking back up at me. "His plane took off two minutes ago… You're too late."

I stared at him for a moment, disbelieving. No. This couldn't be happening. Newbie couldn't be gone. He couldn't just _leave_ like that. I thought he had wanted to talk about all this? I thought he had wanted to work it all out? If so, why would he leave me here? Why would he believe I could make it without him?

_No matter what gets in my way  
__As long as there's still life in me.  
__No matter what, remember  
__You know I'd always come for you.  
__I'd crawl across this world for you.  
__Do anything you want me to.  
__No matter what, remember  
__You know I'd always come for you._

"I'm sorry," Ghandi said, giving me a sympathetic smile. "I'm going to miss him too."

An idea suddenly struck me, and I shook my head. "I'm not going to miss him." Ghandi gave me a confused look, prompting me to continue. "I'm going after him. Why should he get the only word with his mother? I deserve to crack some skulls too." With that, I quickly made my way to the ticketing area.

I wasn't going to give up that easily.

_You know I'd always come for you._

**Yes, Perry's taking off after JD. But will he find him? Will they fix everything? Stay tuned to find out!**


	3. Gomenasai

**Title:** Our Songs  
**Chapter Title:** Gomenasai

**Song: **Gomenasai _by_ t.A.T.u  
**POV: **JD/John Dorian

**Disclaimer: **I DO NOT OWN SCRUBS.

**Warnings: **SLASH. Don't like it? Don't read. Mentions of suicide.

**Author's Note: **Gomenasai means 'I'm sorry' in Russian, btw.

* * *

_What I thought wasn't mine  
__In the light  
__Was one of a kind,  
__A precious pearl.  
__When I wanted to cry  
__I couldn't cause I  
__Wasn't allowed._

I stared at my mother's house, swallowing hard. I had spent the last two hours sitting on the bed in my motel, trying to work up the courage to come here, and once again I had fallen short. Was I really ready to do this? I couldn't face her. I couldn't face everything that was going to happen in that house. Honestly, I felt like I needed Perry with me… but that was all gone, wasn't it?

He never answered his phone, and then I ended up breaking mine. Sure, I had Carla's phone on me now, but he wouldn't know that. Even if he did, would he call me? And why couldn't I work up the courage to call him? If I couldn't dial his number and talk to him about everything right then and there, then how in the world was I possibly going to be able to go into that house and face my mother, the woman who said that she never wanted to see me again?

"Come on, Dorian, you can do this."

"Hey, kid, are you getting out?"

My head snapped away from the window, looking over at the taxi driver—Ralph, the sign towards the front of the taxi said—who seemed to be getting impatient with me. I sighed and shook my head. I couldn't do it. Maybe if I came back in a bit, after I had talked to Perry, then I could do it. But right now? I couldn't. I just couldn't face that woman, the one who had told me that Dan killed himself because of me. Guilt was creeping on me, and I hated that I was such a wuss. Guess Perry was right, I really _was_ a girl.

"Actually, could you just take me to the nearest bar? I need to clear my head."

"Whatever you say, kid," Ralph said, putting the taxi back in drive. I watched as the house slowly got smaller and smaller, staring at it from the back window. I felt my heart constrict as I saw my mother walking out of the house and getting into her car. Chance lost. I hated myself.

_Gomenasai for everything.  
__Gomenasai, I know I let you down.  
__Gomenasai till the end.  
__I never needed a friend  
__Like I do now._

Not more than five minutes later, I walked into the bar, sitting down at a table as I ran a hand across my face. I had to weigh my options. I could either go back and face my mother—but she was going out anyway, so that would have to wait a few hours as it was—or I could go back to my motel until I was able to, in Perry's words 'grow some testicles.' Neither option seemed to scream out at me, and I barely noticed the bar maiden speaking to me.

"Sir?" My head snapped up. "What would you like?"

"Um. An Applet—" I paused. No, that's not what I wanted right now. "Just a beer." She smiled and nodded, walking over to the bar. I didn't even _like_ beer, but right now I just wanted to feel closer to Perry, I wanted to feel like I wasn't so alone in all of this. Part of me was wishing that he'd just crash through those doors, take my hands in his, and tell me that we were going to get through this together, and that we'd never be separated again. Yeah, right. Not only did he not know where I was at, but he'd never say things like that. The words that would come out of his mouth were more likely to be 'Newbie, you came all this way just to choke down a beer?' And then he'd take it from me, enjoying it while I squealed inside that he was actually _here_.

"And then I could have an Appletini…" I mused out loud, realizing that my fantasies weren't up to par. Oh well, I had a right to that.

_What I thought wasn't all  
__So innocent  
__Was a delicate doll  
__Of porcelain.  
__When I wanted to call you  
__And ask you for help  
__I stopped myself._

I looked up as the bar maiden brought over my beer, and I sipped at it gingerly, making a face before setting it down on the table. Taking Carla's phone out of my pocket, I stared at the screen, debating internally whether or not I should call Perry. Then again, if I did, I'd have to explain to him why I had Carla's phone… I don't think he'd be too happy to find out that I had smashed the phone he had bought me against a wall… After everything that had happened previously, that would probably just add to his anger.

I suddenly imagined Perry taking on the form of big, bad and evil genie Jafar from Aladin, his skin turning red as his eyes glowed, growing to the point that he broke the ceiling of the bar. Staring down at me, he growled. "You broke your phone, Newbie?! I spent three hundred dollars on that!" He then grabbed me in his hand, bringing me up to his face. "You shall pay!" At that, he threw me, and I soared throughout the air.

"I could fly with the birdies…"

I snapped up as my phone started ringing—scratch that, _Carla's_ phone started ringing. I really hope it wasn't one of her sisters again. They had called earlier, and started yelling about how I had stolen the Latina nurse's phone, and threatened to call the police. I had taken about ten minutes or so to get them called down enough to explain to them exactly what had happened. I shook my head, answering.

"Bambi?" Phew, only Carla. "Where are you?"

"I'm at the bar, why?" I asked cautiously, looking around to make sure no one was listening in on my conversation. Not that anyone would care, really, but I suddenly felt the need to keep my voice down.

"The one closest to your mother's house?" Carla asked, her voice a bit timid.

"Yes…."

"Perry's been looking for you. He's there, JD."

My heart fluttered in my chest, and I swallowed hard. Perry was in town. He had come for me. This was supposed to be an amazingly good thing, but I suddenly felt guilty. What if he had been trying to call me all day? He didn't know that my phone was broken! Then again, if Carla had been talking to him, he probably already knew. What if he came here just to torment me about my phone?

"No, that would be stupid," I said quietly, though secretly doubting myself.

"It's not stupid!" Carla said suddenly, thinking that I had been responding to what she had previously said. "It's romantic! And you better be happy when you see him, or I'm going to fly down there y patea su extremo tan duro que usted puede sólo _deseo_ que Perry había podido tomar un vuelo más temprano tan él podría guardar su extremo descarnada y blanco. Do I make myself clear?!"

I paused, cursing myself that I haven't learned Spanish yet. "Um… yeah." I looked up as I heard someone walking over to me. "I think he's—" That wasn't Perry.

"I thought I told you that I never wanted to see your face again, you rotten little fag!"

"JD? Who's there? Who's yelling?"

"My mother," I said timidly, before closing the phone.

_Gomenasai for everything.  
__Gomenasai, I know I let you down.  
__Gomenasai till the end.  
__I never needed a friend  
__Like I do now._

"You sick bastard, how dare you show your face in this town! No one wants to see you! It's your fault that Dan's dead!" My mother quickly grabbed my arm, attempting to drag me out of my feet.

"Hey! What's going on over here, Ms. Dorian?" A man asked, walking over to the table quickly.

"He's the reason Danny is _dead_!" The horrifying woman yelled, pulling me out of my chair.

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about!" I yelled frantically, trying to think of exactly _how_ I could get my mother calmed down long enough to talk to her about Dan, his suicide, and my relationship with Perry. Well… ex-relationship.

"Oh, so this is Johnny, huh?" The man suddenly grabbed my mother's arm, forcing her hand away from me. "Barbara, you know Dan didn't do it _because_ of Johnny. He did it _for_ him."

I stared at the man, my eyebrows furrowing. How could that possibly be? What in the world would cause Dan to kill himself _for_ me? He either killed himself because I was dating Perry, or didn't do it at all. And, well, considering that everyone was really upset and going crazy—well, just my mother was going crazy, really—I was guessing that Dan was gone _because_ of me.

"No! It's John's fault!" My mother yelled, tears starting to roll down her cheeks as she tried to break out of the man's hold, reaching for me.

"You know what was going on with Dan! You know what road he was going down! You _know_ that he was going to be forced to bring Johnny into it! He didn't want to burden the kid when he was finally happy!" The man yelled, pushing me away from my mother even more. "It's your fault Dan's gone, it's your fault he had those problems!"

"That's not true! Danny's life was turning around! He was doing good!" My mother yelled, hitting the man's arm weakly as she let out a sob, falling to the ground.

"I know he was. At first. But it changed, didn't it, Barbara?" The man stared down at my mother, his eyes showing just how pathetic he thought the woman was.

_What I thought was a dream  
__A mirage  
__Was as real as it seemed  
__A privilege.  
__When I wanted to tell you  
__I made a mistake  
__I walked away._

I backed away from the two of them, and headed towards the door, thoughts swimming in my head. Dan had killed himself because I was happy? Because he didn't want to burden me? That didn't make any sense.

"Hey, Johnny, come back!" the man yelled after me, leaving my mother sobbing on the ground. I ignored him, and kept walking, a bit dizzy at the new information.

"Newbie, I think you should listen to what the guy has to say." Looking up, I noticed Perry. Was this a dream? He couldn't be here. Carla said he was coming, but he couldn't have gotten here so _fast_. No. I was just wishing for things to happen. I knew this wasn't real. So I walked past the man, heading down the sidewalk.

_Gomenasai, for everything.  
__Gomenasai, Gomenasai.  
__I never needed a friend  
__Like I do now._

I stopped at a bench, sitting down upon the wooden seat as I stared ahead of me. What could have possibly happened to Dan? The last time I saw him, he had been getting better about making his life mean something. He got a knew job, he had real money—hell, he even bought me a car!

I don't know how long I spent sitting there, just staring as people passed me by, dogs barked, children yelled and laughed. Time had seemed to slow down, in a way. Here I was, in this town that I had grown up in, set on talking to my mother and making things right with her… and then I find out that none of it meant anything. She had refrained from telling me the whole truth once again. And now… I didn't know what was true or not.

"I talked to him for you." I looked up, finding Perry standing next to me. He rubbed my shoulder, before sitting down next to me.

"Dan had gotten in some trouble with some dangerous people… Before you told him last week, he was going to try to get you to help him. Your mother already said no. And he knew that if you helped him that he'd get you in trouble, too, and that you wouldn't be able to stay with me. You'd have to move a lot… Apparently he didn't want to put you through that, but he also knew he couldn't fix things on his own… So he killed himself. It had nothing to do with you and me. He was happy for us, apparently he knew all along."

_Gomenasai, I let you down.  
__Gomenasai, Gomenasai, Gomenasai.  
__Gomenasai till the end._

"I can't believe he's gone…" I said softly, leaning against Perry, tears starting to trickle down my cheeks.

"I know." Perry kissed my forehead. And suddenly I felt worse than I had in the past two days.

_I never needed a friend  
Like I do now._

**Translation for Carla: "and kick your butt so hard that you could only **_**wish**_** that Perry had been able to take an earlier flight so he could save your scrawny, white butt." No, I don't know Spanish. I used a translator. So if it's horribly wrong, don't blame me. x )**


End file.
